In toddlers (aged between 1 to 5 years of age) misbehavior can be common as they have strong emotions but do not know how to express themselves the way that older children and adults do. They also throw tantrums to let others know that they are free and can do what they want. The toddler is discovering that they are a separate being from their parent and are testing their boundaries. Methods used by the parents for communicating with the toddler can also contribute to setting off the misbehavior or to calm the situation.
There are generally four recognised types of parenting styles:
- Authoritative: democratic style of parenting, parents are attentive, forgiving, teach their offspring proper behavior, have a set of rules, and if child fails to follow then there are consequences such as negative reinforcement. If followed, there is reward / positive reinforcement.
- Authoritarian: strict parenting style, involves high expectations from parents but have little communication between child and parents. Parents don’t provide logical reasoning for rules and limits, and are prone to harsh punishments.
- Indulgent: parents take on the role of “friends” rather than parents, do not have any expectations of child, they allow the child to make their own decisions.
- Neglecting: parents neglect their child by putting their own life before the child’s. They do provide for the child’s basic needs but they show little interaction with the child
The most ideal and balanced style that leads to the child being mature, independent, and socially responsible is the Authoritative style. Research has shown that the Neglecting style commonly leads to children becoming delinquents because of the lack of parenting, affection, and care from the parent leads the child to act out badly for attention. The truth is, most parents don’t fall into a single type of parenting style; instead, we tend to be a combination of several styles. The trick is to be flexible enough so that you make adjustments to your basic type — adapting your style by adopting some best practices from other parenting styles.
It is common to have one’s parent’s style of parenting differ from the other parent (e.g. mother is more accommodating but father very stern). The parenting style may not be obvious till only after the first child is born. If not addressed sometimes it can lead to a strain in the relationship. Some of the methods to help parents learn how to work together includes:
- Seeking more knowledge. “Subscribe to parenting magazines, take parenting classes and talk to your Doctor or Paediatrician about good and bad discipline techniques. Use classes, articles and books as a discussion point. There are more and more resources available in Malaysia and online. Make use of these.
- Reach out. “Use your parents as a resource. They have more experience with raising children than you do. Friends also can be a help, particularly if their kids are slightly older than yours; they’ll be able to tell you what worked and didn’t work for them.”
- Get back to basics. “Set aside time to discuss your progress in disciplining your children. Figure out what your goals are in child rearing, and what you’d like to see for your kids. Then see how each of you has succeeded or not succeeded in helping your family stay the course.”
- Discuss your own experiences as a child. By discussing individual positive and negative experiences as a child, it helps improve understanding and acknowledgement of individual priorities in parenting.
How to defuse a tantrum?
Keep cool. Don’t complicate the problem with your own frustration. Kids can sense when parents are becoming frustrated. Your frustration feeds the tantrum. Next and perhaps the hardest part is to ignore the outburst. Continue your activities, paying no attention to your child but remaining within sight. If the tantrum poses no risk to the child hurting themselves or others, ignoring the behaviour is the best response. Do not reward your child’s tantrum by giving in. This will only prove to your little one that the tantrum was effective. Instead after it’s over, verbally praise a child for regaining control. Hug and hold him or her and reinforce that gaining control is what you will reward.
Several basic causes of tantrums are similar: The child is seeking attention or is tired, hungry, or uncomfortable. In addition, tantrums can sometimes be because of frustration with the world — they can’t get something (for example, an object or a parent) to do what they want. Tantrums are common during the second year of life, a time when children are acquiring language. Toddlers at this stage can’t really express their needs well so they may act them out.
Nurture Your Child’s Self-Esteem
Praising accomplishments, however small, will make them feel proud; letting kids do things independently will make them feel capable and strong. By contrast, belittling comments or comparing a child unfavourably with another will make kids feel worthless.
Choose your words carefully and be compassionate. Let your kids know that everyone makes mistakes and that you still love them, even when you don’t love their behaviour.
Catch Kids Being Good
The more effective approach is to catch kids doing something right: “You made your bed without being asked — that’s terrific!” or “I was watching you play with your sister and you were very patient.” These statements will do more to encourage good behaviour over the long run than repeated scolding.
Set Limits and Be Consistent With Your Discipline
Discipline is necessary in every household. The goal of discipline is to help kids choose acceptable behaviours and learn self-control. They may test the limits you establish for them, but they need those limits to grow into responsible adults.
Make Time for Your Kids
It’s often difficult for parents and kids to get together for a family meal, let alone spend quality time together. But there is probably nothing kids would like more. Get up 10 minutes earlier in the morning so you can eat breakfast with your child or leave the dishes in the sink and take a walk after dinner. Kids who aren’t getting the attention they want from their parents often act out or misbehave because they’re sure to be noticed that way.
Show That Your Love Is Unconditional
As a parent, you’re responsible for correcting and guiding your kids. But how you express your corrective guidance makes all the difference in how a child receives it.
When you have to confront your child, avoid blaming, criticizing, or fault-finding, which undermine self-esteem and can lead to resentment. Instead, strive to nurture and encourage, even when disciplining your kids. Make sure they know that although you want and expect better next time, your love is there no matter what.
Modifying Behaviour with positive and negative reinforcement
Reinforcement is used to help increase the probability that a specific behavior will occur with the delivery of a stimulus/item immediately after a response/behavior is exhibited.
Positive Reinforcement is a technique used by Parents and Caregivers to modify their children’s behaviour by reinforcing desired behaviours. It is where good behaviour is rewarded. Rewards can be things such as praise and hugs or a tap on the shoulder and don’t necessarily have to be gifts.
Negative reinforcement is when a certain stimulus/item is removed after a particular behavior is exhibited. The likelihood of the particular behavior occurring again in the future is increased because of trying to removing/avoiding the negative stimuli. An example is when a child who refuses to eat his dinner is not allowed to watch TV.
Parenting skills can be learnt at any stage of parenting and don’t have to be sought only when you have problems with your children. Parents should consider to equip themselves even before preparing to have children. They can consider seeking help from a professional if they seem to lose control or if their child frequently hurts himself or herself or others. Also if the child is destructive and displays mood disorders such as negativity, low self-esteem, or extreme dependence.
Your doctor also can check for any physical problems that may be contributing to the tantrums, although this is not common. These include hearing or vision problems, a chronic illness, language delays, or a learning disability.
Gadgets in Parenting
It’s a trend now that parents leave their children to play with the IPad or smartphones to calm them, or to behave while in public places. And at the same time, the parents too would get themselves occupied with their mobile phones or other gadgets.
A recent survey found that the majority of those who use gadgets to ‘babysit’ their children do so to ‘take a break from parenting’ (45%), while others said it allowed them to enjoy ‘me-time’ (23%) and some respondents cited technology’s ability to keep their children quiet (13%). I believe it is a dangerous substitute and the lack of human interaction can have a serious impact on the socialisation skills the child develops. It also affects the bonding between child and parent. Some initial studies suggest that gadgets at early life can also interfere with development of creativity, verbal and social skills.
